Why deal with the problem when you can just destroy it instead?
There are so many things that can ruin your music festival weekend. Lucky for you, we have a few award-worthy festival hacks that may just save your life and improve your experience ten-fold! Here’s the only what-to-pack list you need to see.
1. Steak knife or (if you can get your hands on one) an axe
This item can prove incredibly useful in times of need. And need you will. When there’s an annoyingly tall person blocking your view to the stage, there’s nothing else to do but to adopt the George R. R. Martin way and behead said person and put the now detached head on a spike (you might want to add spike as an item on the list).
2. Shears or giant-ass scissors
These will come in handy for those dreaded moments when someone’s hair repeatedly slaps your face while dancing. Have you heard that saying ‘be the change you want to see’? Yeah, that has nothing to do with this, but chop that hair off if it sways your way again.
3. Your dance moves
And if you don’t have any dance moves, here are a few you can adopt. First is the Creepy Uncle move, where you slither close to an individual from behind and summon you inner creepy uncle to do the rest of the work. The second is the Human Blender, which is essentially great when you have no space to move. Work those flailing arms and make room for your insane dance moves. Nevermind the people you punch in the face, while you’re at it.
4. A megaphone
For the invariable times when the artist on stage can’t hear you and jumping over the railing is not an option, megaphones might just get your voice across to the stage. Maybe.
Because every music festival experience is incomplete without some good ol’ pill poppin’.
6. Pets and/or children
Because the crowd, traffic, heat just aren’t enough of a hassle, you know. Let’s throw in a few diarrhea infested dogs and accident-prone children and you have yourself a completely glamorous festival experience. Besides, it’s the perfect excuse to objectify your kids by dressing them up like this.
7. Steel-toed shoes
This item is potentially essential. At stages that are more crowded than the queue at Vero Moda during their annual sale, steel-toed shoes will help you not only protect your toes from other predator toes, but also provide an opportunity to instantly avenge your toes from those who try to stub them. They also come in a nauseating pink shade!
8. Culturally offensive headgear
You need this item not only because it looks hipster as f@*#, but also because like pill popping, no festival is complete unless at least one culture is offended (on an average). A festival without a controversy surrounding cultural appropriation (bindis, native american headgear) is like a Dothraki wedding without any deaths, so choose wisely, which culture you wish to offend.
9. Rope (at least two yards long)
You know those adorkable couples where the girl sits on the shoulders of the guy, henceforth blocking a substantial view of the stage for several people? Yeah, everyone does. Carrying a length of rope to pull that brat down is a good way to be a good festival Samaritan. Just saying.
10. Tranquilizer darts (PS – will match with said headgear)
This item is just or precaution. For those who get handsy when drunk or horny when not drunk, this item will serve as protection. And lucky for you, it will also go with the whole native American vibe you could sport with the headgear.
Disclaimer: We do not mean anything said above seriously, please don’t go around beheading people or shooting them with tranquilizer darts. All of this is said in good humour. Cheers, folks!