There are thousands of people at music festivals. And as much as we’d like to believe that every individual is unique, having been to the amount of festivals that we have—one begins to notice a certain behavioural pattern. And this behavioral pattern has led us to conclude that music festivals, in their loud, chaotic and teenager-infested glory, are the metaphorical honeycombs of ‘hipsters’ of every kind. Just how many are there? We’re glad you asked.
1. The Pseudo-intellectual
This particular individual is the easiest to spot at a music festival. Just look for a dude wearing a beanie and/or faux-chic glasses and viola! You have yourself a prickly pseudo-intellectual hipster. This guy knows everything about everything. Be it every single band on the lineup, the conspiracies behind the company organizing the fest or even the percentage of water to alcohol in your drink—they take the term ‘know it all’ to the next dimension. If you hear them use words like “avant-garde” or “grand”, don’t be alarmed. That’s part of the generic pseudo-intellectual lingo.
Best Known For: Debating about pretty much everything under the sun and feeling compelled to explain why they like a certain band when nobody asked or is interested in knowing. (“Monica Dogra’s voice just has depth, you know? No, you probably don’t.”)
2. The Wannabe
This person is trying so hard to be a hipster, it’s like watching a terrible movie plot unfold. The feeling of dread and the urge to look away when you know something bad’s going to happen in a film perfectly describes our sentiments when we encounter these folk. Usually deliriously drunk and almost always underage, these kids dress up for a festival like it’s a Hawaiian costume party. Wreaths of all colors frame their naïveté heads as they sway in their crop tops bought at Forever 21 and two-toned shades, forming heart shapes with their fingers.
Best Known For: Wearing excessive hair accessories (native american headgear, “flower crowns”, kandi bands, you name it) and using selfie sticks.
3. The Tripster
This person’s life ambition is to be like Alexander Supertramp from ‘Into The Wild’. They wear clothes that are two sizes too big and are bigger lovers of nature – especially grass. (Ahem.) Preaching the life and learnings of Che Guevara to anyone who will listen, these guys are hipsters to the bone. Can be seen wearing plaid shirts and boots when it’s 40 degrees out (no pain, no gain) and discussing the many healing facets of yoga. Don’t be surprised if they start a sporadic meditation session right there in the arena.
Best Known For: Being high.
4. The Festival Frequenter
Note: Not to be confused with the pseudo-intellectual hipster.
Even though the FF hipsters have similarities with our pseudo-intellectual friends mentioned above, these guys have knowledge solely about music festivals and gigs. Why? Because they’ve been to every single one of them. And coming from us, that’s saying something, because so have we. They know every act inside out and have “been there, done that” way too many times already. Why do they still attend these festivals? Please tell us in the comments if you know.
Best Known For: “Dude, I’ve watched Nucleya live like, 20 times. He’s super mainstream.”
5. The Gypster
Here’s the thing about the Gypsters (aka, gypsy hipsters) – they don’t five a flying flappy bird about anything. They believe in the saying ‘live and let live’. You can spot them at a music festival dancing all freaky, dressed looking like their wardrobe threw up on them.
Best known for: Travelling in packs, dancing in the crowd like nobody else exists and claiming to possess clairvoyant/healing/some-spiritually-absurd abilities.
(This article was written all in good humour, folks. All sorts of hate-mail is welcome.)
(All illustrations courtesy Tanya Thomas)